![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Since Dreamwidth is (unfortunately) the unloved step-sibling of Livejournal, I won't feel too bad whining a bit here.
I can't figure out if I have tons of patience, or none. I enjoy being on vacation, I enjoy not having to go into work all the time, but I do not enjoy not having anything to really bide my time with. This normally isn't a problem. But when I try to actually do something, it seems like I have to put in 110% just to get ANYTHING done. Unless it's fucking physics, I have to try and try and try and try and try again just to have a chance at anything working out. And then it's still just a chance. So with nothing else in particular to have on my mind, I feel like I'm always waiting for something. I do everything I can and then... wait.
So I can't figure out if I have a lot of patience, or none. Part of me thinks I must have patience like Buddha. I just wait, and wait, and wait, and when things don't work out, instead of giving up or getting frustrated, I just try again. One more time. Two more times. Three more times. Try and try again until something works. Or am I just flattering myself? Am I just being impatient and whiny, expecting the world to be delivered to me on a platter for nothing more than just some meager effort? Maybe it's somewhere in between. Maybe it's just a judgment call.
But off all the things in life that weigh on me, it's waiting that is the one that beats me down the most. Anything else, I can worry about it for a while. I can even fear it for a while. Both are fine; they make me think, and if I can think about something, I feel I have more control over it. Whatever happens, I can think about what to do when it actually does. And even though it took me a long time to learn with many mistakes along the way, I've learned to stop worrying once I found myself thinking in circles. No longer would I worry myself into depression. But waiting...
Waiting means there's nothing to think about. Waiting means I've done all I can. Waiting means it's basically up to chance. There's nothing for me to grab on to. There's nothing I can do. And it drives me nuts.
I can't figure out if I have tons of patience, or none. I enjoy being on vacation, I enjoy not having to go into work all the time, but I do not enjoy not having anything to really bide my time with. This normally isn't a problem. But when I try to actually do something, it seems like I have to put in 110% just to get ANYTHING done. Unless it's fucking physics, I have to try and try and try and try and try again just to have a chance at anything working out. And then it's still just a chance. So with nothing else in particular to have on my mind, I feel like I'm always waiting for something. I do everything I can and then... wait.
So I can't figure out if I have a lot of patience, or none. Part of me thinks I must have patience like Buddha. I just wait, and wait, and wait, and when things don't work out, instead of giving up or getting frustrated, I just try again. One more time. Two more times. Three more times. Try and try again until something works. Or am I just flattering myself? Am I just being impatient and whiny, expecting the world to be delivered to me on a platter for nothing more than just some meager effort? Maybe it's somewhere in between. Maybe it's just a judgment call.
But off all the things in life that weigh on me, it's waiting that is the one that beats me down the most. Anything else, I can worry about it for a while. I can even fear it for a while. Both are fine; they make me think, and if I can think about something, I feel I have more control over it. Whatever happens, I can think about what to do when it actually does. And even though it took me a long time to learn with many mistakes along the way, I've learned to stop worrying once I found myself thinking in circles. No longer would I worry myself into depression. But waiting...
Waiting means there's nothing to think about. Waiting means I've done all I can. Waiting means it's basically up to chance. There's nothing for me to grab on to. There's nothing I can do. And it drives me nuts.