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So even though I usually write only something short each day here, I felt like putting something more into words. I'd say, "maybe I'll not even post this," but if you're reading it, whoever you are, it hasn't been deleted. Yet.
I'm feeling a bit lonely. Not the same kind of lonely I have before when I felt very disconnected and uncared for. It's not like I feel there aren't people around me who care or who want me around. Maybe I've done that feeling so much I've just worked it out of my system.
I keep getting the quote from Romeo and Juliet in my mind, "parting is such a sweet sorrow." It's much more a feeling like that, something not so much painful or sore, but melancholy and empty. It's much more a feeling like I've put together a 500 piece puzzle and even have the last one to put in, but for some reason it's just not quite fitting the way it's supposed to.
When dealing with a simple harmonic oscillator there are two important time scales, the time it takes to oscillate and the time it takes to relax. My oscillation time is very short, meaning just a little bit of anything and I feel like I'm going up and down really fast. But my relaxation time is slow, so I'll go back and forth long enough that by the time I'm back to nominal, something else is going to start my head ringing again.
Perhaps this is the curse of success. Two different people have told me how much they admire me for going as far as I have and achieving so many of my goals. And indeed, since I'd long ago realized how important it is to live life without regrets, my list of "should have, could have, would have" is very short. Perhaps it just leaves the last few things on there that much more obvious.
And again, it's that odd feeling of good and bad together. That odd feeling of always almost just being there where you want to be, but you just can't seem to make that last step. Everybody has those kinds of dreams, or nightmares as the case may be, where they're trying to do something and do what should work, but it just doesn't.
Often it's just me making myself anxious, and luckily I know that and can remind myself of the cause and chill out a lot faster. It's probably usually that. But on a deeper level, I think I feel this conflict between my plans and my goals. My goals all still seem far off. Yes, each day almost I can feel myself getting closer to them, yet in other ways they seem so far away. And there's a great contradiction again; I feel so close yet so far away.
I guess that's it, that contradiction, always throwing a wrench in my gears. Patience is the best way to deal with it, of course. But patience is such a damnable virtue. The more of it you have, the harder things are for you. I thought having good qualities was supposed to make your life easier. Off all the things I've learned to balance in life, I guess keeping my eyes on what I do have instead of what I don't have is one thing that still eludes me. Maybe that's what happens when you go without for too long; it's all you're used to seeing.
I'm feeling a bit lonely. Not the same kind of lonely I have before when I felt very disconnected and uncared for. It's not like I feel there aren't people around me who care or who want me around. Maybe I've done that feeling so much I've just worked it out of my system.
I keep getting the quote from Romeo and Juliet in my mind, "parting is such a sweet sorrow." It's much more a feeling like that, something not so much painful or sore, but melancholy and empty. It's much more a feeling like I've put together a 500 piece puzzle and even have the last one to put in, but for some reason it's just not quite fitting the way it's supposed to.
When dealing with a simple harmonic oscillator there are two important time scales, the time it takes to oscillate and the time it takes to relax. My oscillation time is very short, meaning just a little bit of anything and I feel like I'm going up and down really fast. But my relaxation time is slow, so I'll go back and forth long enough that by the time I'm back to nominal, something else is going to start my head ringing again.
Perhaps this is the curse of success. Two different people have told me how much they admire me for going as far as I have and achieving so many of my goals. And indeed, since I'd long ago realized how important it is to live life without regrets, my list of "should have, could have, would have" is very short. Perhaps it just leaves the last few things on there that much more obvious.
And again, it's that odd feeling of good and bad together. That odd feeling of always almost just being there where you want to be, but you just can't seem to make that last step. Everybody has those kinds of dreams, or nightmares as the case may be, where they're trying to do something and do what should work, but it just doesn't.
Often it's just me making myself anxious, and luckily I know that and can remind myself of the cause and chill out a lot faster. It's probably usually that. But on a deeper level, I think I feel this conflict between my plans and my goals. My goals all still seem far off. Yes, each day almost I can feel myself getting closer to them, yet in other ways they seem so far away. And there's a great contradiction again; I feel so close yet so far away.
I guess that's it, that contradiction, always throwing a wrench in my gears. Patience is the best way to deal with it, of course. But patience is such a damnable virtue. The more of it you have, the harder things are for you. I thought having good qualities was supposed to make your life easier. Off all the things I've learned to balance in life, I guess keeping my eyes on what I do have instead of what I don't have is one thing that still eludes me. Maybe that's what happens when you go without for too long; it's all you're used to seeing.