The Living Rube Goldberg Machine

This is really mainly for my own reference, but what the heck...

Trips (in general)
Seattle
Toronto
Los Angeles
Florida
Boston
San Francisco
New York
Chicago
Alaska
Germany

Business:
Arizona
Boston

Need a buddy/friends/group:
Hawaii
Las Vegas
Iceland
Europe


That's two or three I may be able to do this summer, another two in the fall, depending on how things go. The bigger ones I should probably start planning soon, to be honest.

Got back from California, felt busy and tired for four days. Now it's Friday, the weekend, and I just want to be back at Fanime.

Photos and report up for Fanime! http://gallery.orobouros.net/index.php/2013/Fanime2013

Cosplay (mostly) photos from Fanime 2013, held in San Jose, California.

It's been years since I've attended a convention I hadn't been to before. Finally finding myself with the opportunity, I finally made it out to Fanime, held in San Jose, CA, over Memorial Day weekend. Many people told me to expect Fanime to be Katsucon of the west coast, and that's pretty much what it was, both for the good and bad. The overall feel was the same, but there were some noticeable differences, beyond the drastically different weather.

Being in northern California, the weather was pretty much perfect all weekend. A little warm during the day and a little cool at night, but never outside of a comfortable range. As such, I would say that half of the convention, as measured by where people congregated and could be found, was held outdoors. Though one nearby park was essentially closed off to cosplayers (the city requires a photo permit for "professional" photography), the plaza in front of the convention center was always filled with con-goers. Many cosplayers used it for photo shoots, but many non-costumed attendees just relaxed outside instead of in the darker, more crowded convention center. The pleasant weather also was very conductive to walking a few blocks to the many (cheap) food options in the area.

With great weather and plenty of food, I should have been pretty happy, right? I was, mostly. Fanime was well worth the trip from the east coast, the time off, and passing on other weekend activities. The con itself, though, was pretty lacking in a few aspects. The biggest gripe was the issue of registration. (Take it from somebody who is a Fanime veteran to explain the details.) After waiting five hours or more to get a badge, a lot of people started the convention unhappy -- or without a badge they had paid for. That was the biggest problem, but it doesn't end there.

The construction going on in the middle of the convention center really disrupted everything. The common gathering places were gone, traffic was funneled through either small doors off to the side, or through the center lobby of the convention. Having lost a lot of space, several key convention facilities were moved away from the rest of the convention. (Including, for better or worse, registration.) Panel rooms, the dealer's hall, the gaming hall, and the swap-meet area were easy to find; they were all in the large function spaces directly off the main convention center hallway.

Con staff even designated parts of the hallway as "pedestrian highways" and kept people in those areas moving, greatly reducing the amount of crowding as people tried to go this way and that. Plenty of chairs and tables were also available for attendees to sit and rest. Despite the limited space and construction, getting around within the convention center was surprisingly easy for an event of the size. A nice addition was a convention approved cosplay meeting space, complete with a stage, located nicely in one of the best-lit parts of the center. Not that this was really the best space for cosplayers to meet or to take photos, but it was very effective in organizing the little usable space available to the convention in the center.

With so little space, a number of things had to be moved elsewhere. The main events were held in a civic center across the street. While the long lines in front of the building made it pretty clear something was going on there, I didn't find anything in the programming book or pocket guide to indicate when anything was occurring there, with only a foot-note sized arrow pointing out from the map of the convention center towards the civic center. The artists' alley was apparently in a tent outside, according to a sign inside the convention center. I never bothered trying to find out.

One part of almost every convention I like to attend is the masquerade (or whatever other named it goes under). I was going to try to see the Fanime masquerade, but after checking by the line at 4 pm (when doors were supposed to open) and again at 5 pm (when the doors still weren't open), I gave up. Later I'd find out it ran until 10 pm. Those kinds of delays are only eclipsed by the wait to get a badge, and despite what may have been a nice event, I'm glad I skipped it.

Fanime has a very relaxed, social atmosphere, so it always felt like there was plenty to do that wasn't on the schedule. Also, being from the east coast, it's the first time in a while I've seen a lot of people, making it even more tempting to skip official events to hang out. Even so, at most conventions I do at least a few specific con events. This convention? Not a single one, unless you count con-sanctioned cosplay photoshoots. It's not a complaint so much as a comment. Fanime was very enjoyable despite problems. I didn't really need to do a bunch of scheduled events to enjoy myself. At the same time, the difficulty in finding even a single event over the weekend that seemed worthwhile says something about the overall organization of the convention.

It's hard to say if I'll go back or not. I had a blast this year, but it's a long distance away and there are at least four other conventions, three of which I haven't been to in more than a decade, that are much closer and the same weekend. Not to mention plenty of other things to do over a nice long weekend when the weather is getting pretty nice. That being said, despite the problems with the convention, none of them would stop me from coming back. If anything, if it sounds like the problems are getting resolved, I can only imagine that the next time I go, it'll be even better.

Work is going good. By good, I mean busy and I have tons of job security. I even have the opportunity to work some overtime to earn some extra cash. A couple of extra hours a week and I can easily take off a few extra days on a longer vacation. But for now, I'm moving into a "work hard, party hard" kind of lifestyle. Not what I was expecting, but I figure it's time to try new things. If it turns out not to be my thing, I can always dial things down. For now, I'm going to try for doing more cons, more traveling, more seeing people. So far my taste of it has been pretty nice. Maybe it's a bit of catching up with years of studying and working.

The irony -- and my life is nothing if not full of irony -- is that my newfound globetrotting direction is wearing me out. This is, of course, much better than being worn out by real problems in life. But here I am, slightly stressed about getting everything done I want to before flying off to Atlanta. I will, of course, get it done; I just wish I had time to do other stuff in the middle.

I would be a fool to think I'd have tons of time to play Sim City if I got it.

But these are mere inconveniences, nothing like the real problems life can throw at you. So, I can't say I'm unhappy, just busy. But I think once I get into this new groove, I'll be all A-O-K. Just need to see how things go.

Work is really pushing on me. I'm working voluntary overtime, what amounts to probably two or three hours a week. Given that I normally work nine hour days, it means a few times a week I end up coming home fairly late. And then still have those dumb adult things to do before giving time to fun stuff. But oh well. These days I fall asleep easy and awake ready for the day. If anything, I may actually be getting a bit less sleep than usual.

2013 may be the year I feel like I've accomplished something fundamentally important. Yes, I've accomplished many things before, and important things amongst them. But some time this year, I think I'm going to be able to stop, take a breath, and think, "this is it, I'm here." Granted, this isn't exactly anything exceptional. If anything, it's remarkable only for how common it is. But I remember for how long I couldn't help but wonder if I'd ever have the "everyday" things, like a career, home, all those supposedly-evil material things I like, etc. So many times in life it's felt like it never would happen.

Because of doubt. I've never thought of myself of fearful, paranoid, or pessimistic. But it's been a really long road to get past doubt. It was always there, waiting for a chance to take away whatever positive feelings I'd managed to have. Of all the problems I've faced, doubt has been one of the smallest. But it was so persistent. I'd just deal with it each time, or be forced by a bigger problem to put it aside. But now, finally, I feel doubt isn't something that holds me back any more.

It's been slowly pushed back for a long time now. No special event or epiphany. For a long time now it's been little more than an occasional bother instead of the looming monster it once was. But what has helped, at least recently, is learning to recognize something in other people. I suppose the best way to describe it would be "camaraderie." It's something more general than friendship or trust or more intimate such things. It's also from coworkers, strangers, people you talk to only for a moment. A recognition of empathy, no matter how brief or lasting, perhaps. Whatever it is, it's the opposite of doubt, I suppose. Whether it's always been there and I've only recently learned to recognize it, or it's only recently something that has been available to me, I like it.

I don't know if being social is a new need that I've developed, or something that I've had and previously suppressed, ignored, or satisfied by other means. As a random thought, though I hardly saw any of them, when I had three roommates I think that idea of sharing a living space with others helped. In any case, I've come to realize that one of the best ways to get out of a rut is to just get distracted for a bit. Getting stuck in my own head makes it hard to distract myself.

And while this may seem obvious, I really don't think it's been true in the past. Previously, being social while stuck in a mental rut made me feel more stuck, not less. It felt like a struggle to play by the right rules while already under my own pressure. Perhaps it's just a long-needed improvement for myself, but as much as I enjoyed social situations, I felt a great bit of trepidation, too. It was much more like a gamble, something that could as easily make me feel better as worse.

I know that a bit of this change is because of my "new" job. I am now in many more ways at where I wanted to be in life than I have at any time in the past. Much like latter Final Fantasy games, the early parts of my life have always felt very linear and constrained, with a certain specific path set before me with only little room for variation. But I'm now free to explore more, given a choice on how to balance my life and career, my future and present.

The advice usually given is, "live for today, not tomorrow." I can't say that I should have followed that advice, but I can say for certain I generally didn't. I've spent most of my life making sure that my future would be secure. While it may have ultimately been a mistake, I invested my time into what would be to come instead of what was here today and gone tomorrow. I believed that one day, I would be at a place where tomorrow would come.

Call me shallow, but I got to thinking about this because I was talking about our long con history with a friend. I'm just not going to conventions as often as I used to, despite them having played a big role in shaping my life. Not that things don't come and go; most things do, and for me as well. But other things just came into play, things I needed to do. School, work, life, etc. It's something I still love doing, and see no reason not to continue.

I've found that I've been most satisfied with life when I've done things... not impulsively, but more on a whim. When your mind is going hither and thither, discrimination will never be brought to a conclusion. I'm in a place where anything reasonably likely to happen, I can deal with. That certainly hasn't always been the case, but -- in short -- over the last few years I've really managed to get my shit together.

It's not a new balance in life I'm looking for, either. Quite the contrary: a balance is bringing existing elements together in a better way. I'm looking to do more, make more of life.

As a child I was told television would rot the brain, that it was more of an evil necessity than something of any good. And, as a result, as a teen and later an adult, I've come to love watching television (and similar activities) to a degree that my parents would have thought unhealthy. Similarly, I was brought up to be extremely unassertive. Other people were just right, or if they were just wrong, you never should contradict them. That was a hurdle that took a lot longer to get over for many reasons, though probably mainly because I didn't even realize how much it was damaging me.

But I finally have. I got a terrible start to life, and once I realized that I've been trying to catch up since. But I've been running, and running, and that's the pace that makes me comfortable. I've seen this kind of zeal in many other people, and only recently have I realized it's the same thing in me. Take away a person's childhood, and they will spend the rest of their life looking for it. Can't say whether or not I'd have liked my life to have been easier. As much as many parts have sucked, it's that same thing that's made me strive for that much more.

That would all be a pretentious way to say, "I'm gonna go to more cons again." And that's not really what it's about. It's about the outlook I'm striving for, the outlook I think I can achieve. Something that involves finding the joy in little things, and building targets for the big things.

As a side note, since LiveJournal is dying, I've turned to using it as it was originally envisioned, a journal to keep thoughts written down, which happens to be online and shareable. So, here's some words from Courage Wolf.

I happen to have written quite a bit of somewhat philosophical stuff and kept it all private here. It's interesting to go back and read, mainly because it's still how I feel today. Maybe it's time to share. (It's not about me in any way, just general things I wish people understood better.)